CARD ME BABY YET ONE MORE TIME! Woot Woot!!

Yup, sang yet again to Brittany, money doesn't buy you panties, Spears'song "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Someone needs to do it!! Where's her mother??? Someone needs to smack some sense into that girl!

I know! What is this? Like the third time I've had to use this phrase? I am having a grrrreat year! Tonight is the 3rd time I've been carded since my b-day!! I know! Hard to believe! I'm freakin 45!! AND I'm still, on occasion, getting carded!! Woot Woot!

I went to Wagreens to indulge in a bit of the white grape, chardonnay to be exact. I've been focusing on The Secret a lot today and genuinely feeling it. Feeling the gratitude of all that I have. I went for a over 3 mile walk on our quartz crystal sand beach today and sat on the sand trying to clear my live chi stagnation. It was amazing...the beach not the liver chi. A separate blog to follow about it. I've just been in that attitude of gratitude ALL day today. AND apparently it makes you look younger!!! Yea baby!! That's what I'm talking about!!

I was browsing looking for the ingredients for the tiramsu martini, geez it's expensive! But sooooo delicious! My daughter is a bad influence on me! She turned me onto to them and now I MUST have them every so often. I decide to just get my wine and pay. The cashier looks at me, I have my sunglasses on, my Laguna Beach hoodie & Tinker Bell yoga pants when she asked to see ID. Almost broke into my happy dance, not a pretty site, glad I refrained.

She looked at my ID, then me, then the ID so I took off my sunglasses. She said "WOW you have great skin and DON'T look your age!!" She is now my best friend! We're hangin tomorrow. I said that good skin and mental illness ran in my family, I got the good skin.....some may disagree, but I don't care because they don't get carded!! HA! They're just jealous! Sorry Mom. :-)

Now I'm off to do my happy dance in private, which is the only time I should do it, really. :-)

DO YOU HAVE I.D.D.??

Everybody is always talking about ADD but how about IDD?? Psychic Boy coined that lil ditty awhile ago. It stands for INTENTION Deficit Discorder. Now that the movie The Secret is out maybe people will pay attention to what their intent REALLY is! It's ALL about the intent baby!!

If you don't like where your life is right now then you have suffered from IDD!! If you feel your life is spiraling down the ole crapper fast and furious, you suffered from IDD!! Health not the best?? You suffered from I.D.D. Don't have the relationship you want? YUP! I.D.D. again!! The great news is.... the cure is immediate! Just change your intent! Now there is a bit of work with it because you have to HABITUATE the intent you really desire as not to fall back into old intent. Another GREAT word I love is APPLY!!

I have friends that have taken ALL kinds of classes on manifesting and then would share what they had learned with me. After a year or so of this, they call me to ask me how I manifested a 6 figure income and my brand new Lexus RX 300 (it was 2001) They were still struggling financially and STILL focusing on healing BS from ALL their past lives or something. I don't know, I just know it got REAL old after awhile. Move on already! Talk about over killl??!!

I said to them, they were on a 3 way call, "Remember all those classes you were constantly taking on manifesting and Angels?? And then shared the info with me?? Well, I just APPLIED the knowledge!!" DUH!! Not only had I manifested those things, but I also worked for Doreen Virtue and they were the ones who introduced me to her work!! None of them ever had the money to take her week long class I ended up staffing for.

So what's the lesson here kiddies?? Be AWARE of your INTENT, it's your magick wand! HABITUATE the behavior of success. AND APPLY the knowledge you learn!! That my friends is The Secret!

HAPPY MANIFESTING!!

You can listen to us talking about The Secret/Law of Attraction on Paranormal Talk

Just go to the archived segaments. We were on Feb. 13th

LIVER CHEESE!

Saturday, February 17, 2007


LIVER CHEESE!
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

I had an acupuncture appt. on Wed. My friend goes to East West College and gave me a free pass to have some acupuncture done. I thought cool! Could always use some balancing ya know?

So I go and start to fill out the long detailed questionaire on things I don't keep track of like how many times a day I pee, what color is it yada yada yada. So you know they ask about the "dropping deuce" too, not going there, u can thank me later. It does ask however, things like, stress related to job. I put "dying on stage." It gives you a list of things to check if you have a problem with them so next to hearing I put "What?" I was bored and my elf guide Bryon was in rare form. I guess since I haven't started my 2nd book that he's suppose to help me with, he'll help out with questionnaires instead. Good elf. And he's apparently tall and handsome like Aragon with brown hair...hubba hubba. Note to self I need to meditate more so I can see this handsome elf!!

I get called in and since it's a student clinic it looks like a scene from Scrubs or Grey's Anatomy. I'm being seen by a crew! The supervising Dr. decided to come in because he read what I did for a living. Oh the pressure! Oh yea, I didn't know that at the time...nevermind. Was trying to have a drama queen moment.

So we go in a room and the same questions are asked again. What's your pee like? What's your poo like? Blah Blah blah. And Bryon and I wasted our time why??? To see if I was lying? Then I had to stick my tongue out at them. Cool! I wanted to do that anyway! Yea, well, you don't want to do that to someone who is in school for Chinese Medicine! Your tongue is like a freakin tarot deck! They get waaaay to much info on you by doin that!! Note to self, don't stick my tongue out at my friend Denise anymore!!

It was funny because we were introducing ourselves and I said my name was Connie Jordan. Then Denise says, this is Witchy Woman. The everybody says "OH! your're Witchy Woman?? Cool" So they knew who Witchy Woman was. Had a famous moment there. Yet I wasn't recognizable by my picture on the flier that had been hanging in their cafeteria?? Don't even want to think about that.

So we get on with the pin cushion session. I tell them that I've had tennis elbow for over a year since we painted our house, so I guess I have house elbow, let's work on that & I've had some knee pain. So they start the sticking the pins in process. Some I feel more than others. Then they stick seeds, pellets, whatever the hell they are on my ear that I have to squeeze when I thiunk of it over the next few days. OUCH! It's suppose to help with my elbow. (?) Then they go out and talk behind my back. They call it consulting with the Dr. whatever!

I'm lying there trying to relax going to my happy place. Not one of my strong suits yet. Shoulda been working on seeing hubba hubba Bryon!

TO be continued later......

Had to take PB to the Irish Festival to perform.

Now on with my story. Finally I am realeased from all my pins & electrodes, I apparently had some of that too, and I'm free to go. SO I get up and I notice my vision isn't right. I mean it's pretty bad for me, someone who has eyes like a hawk! My vision is very blurred! When I mention it to the Dr. he just said "Really? huh!" WHAT?? My vision sucks and all he can say is that?? You mean this ISN'T common?? I figured he would say "Yea that can happen after a session." But nope! That is not what I heard! Apparently it isn't that common. WTF?? DO I need to get a seeing eye dog now?? I can paint my house now......BUT I CAN'T SEE IT!! I can play tennis but I need a dog that knows how to play! Yea, like I would play tennis.

Apparently what caused my blurry vision is that I have liver chi stagantion! Again WHAT?? Yup! The eyes are connected to the liver. Don't cha just love Chinese Medicine?? And liver issues has to do with anger issues. Ya think?? I'm pissed I can't see!! The irony of all this is that my sister drinks quite a lot and I HAVE the liver chi stagnation???!! Things that make ya go hmmmm...and WTF?

So now I have to meditate and go over the things that I may have held anger towards and release them. DAMMIT! Oh and go back Wed for another appt. to be a pin cushion. So when I told PB all about this, as I felt his face so I could see it, he said "you have liver cheese stagantion??" No you dope! Liver chi stagantion. Yea, go ahead, get me mad! Apparently I have enough to be mad at! I constantly have to remind him who the comdian is around here. :-)

SO there u have it, my live cheese story.

WE KILLED AT FOUR GEES

SATURDAY FEB.10, 2007

WE KILLED AT 4 GEES
Current mood: accomplished

Star date Jan 21st 2007 7:30p.m. WE KICKED ROYAL BOOTAY!! We ROCKED the house! It was awesome!! It was our first show of the year and it was sold out! AND we had to turn people away!!

While I have performed infront of several hundred people before, it was just 5 min open mics. This was our very own 2 hour show! So having 60 people is incredible. We were scrounging for chairs to accommodate as many people as we could. We were at capacity.

The first time I did a paying gig was in Feb 2005 in Huntington Bch Ca. and I had 25 people there, we were squeezing them in there as well.. It felt like 250!! I got a standing O that night. It blew me away. When you have people that are right there with you as you take them on your comedy ride...well, there's nothing like it! You get hooked!

So that night, Jan 21st was our first "big" show & everyone had a great time. People came up to us saying how much fun they had and how funny we were. (I got a standing O if you count people standing at intermission...and I do! :-) ) It was awesome! I wish I could do it more! We'll be booking another show there soon, probably March.

It's so weird how things work in comedy. It's a hit or miss here in God's waiting room, because people aren't into metaphysics much here. They say they are but they are not. Mostly wanna bees. But in So Cal I do well everytime no matter if it's a metaphysical store, a coffee house or a comedy club. I've done the Improv out there with a great reception. They just get me out there. I guess cause everyone sees dead people out there or something. Who cares! I fit in somewhere! Now alls I got to do is move!

On those amazing nights I just know that comedy is my love and I am her bitch!

GIGALO WEEZE AND CORN BREAD!

GIGALO WEEZE AND CORN BREAD!
Current mood: embarrassed

The category should say flogging as in a public one.

Now on to my night of public humiliation.......It's been 3 weeks so I can talk about it now...kinda

PB and I did a comedy gig in Palmetto FL. or as some like to call it, unbenounced to me, Palmghetto. I answered a bulletin, because the area code was my own, and what's this?? An actual opportunity to perform somewhere in my area?? The bulletin stated if you wanted stage time to "hit me up" So being the stage whore that I am and not to miss a chance to get on one, a stage, I contacted this poster....even tho I was hesitant due to my material. It's not for every kind of crowd. I really learned that one!!

Well, I respond to it explaining what I do and Gigalo Weeze, the poster & organizer, was really interested, I mean really excited!! I couldn't believe it! I was still leary because, ya know, a comedy gig called Big Bro may not be the place for metaphysical humor. But Gigalo reassured me that the crowd will love it, they like ALL kinds of humor. Yea, whatever Gigalo!

I wanted PB with me because I figured if I was going down he was going with me!! I ain't going down alone. (Yes, I see the obvious jokes here but focus dammit!!) I also figured the parodies would warm them up......joke was on us. You can see how this night went already. So much for building up the suspense of it all. *sigh*

We get there ON TIME! Which I found out black people are not known for. I know about Cubans, they have their own time. Rahn Man, the MC says to me "You haven't worked with a lot of black people have you??" My response "Umm No" The other comedians start arriving and they are great. I'm sure they're wondering why our white bread asses are there but they are very nice to us none the less.

People start arriving and the other comics are nervous looking out at them saying they look like a tough crowd. OK! This is the black comics saying this!! IF THEY ARE NERVOUS??!!!! Where the hell does that leave us???? The Christians to the lions??? I think I had, at that moment, another past life flash back! I was seeing the Coliseum in Rome!! Altho my belief is that they didn't feed the llons enough!! :-) I told Gigalo that, "This is feeling like the the whole Coliseum thiing in Rome Gigalo." At the very least the Titanic! He assured me "Naaaaa"

So we're hanging back stage with all the other comics, Cornbread is the only other name I really remember. No, wait, that's a lie, I remember LC, cause he was a hottie. I think they said he had been on BET. We were having a great time with them laughin and carrying on. Listening to Urban slang is quite interesting. I find it extremely creative. I won't go into the whole stoy as to how I found out this little ditty but I found out what "dropping mud" meant. Let's see, how can I eloquently put this....it means to have a bowel movement. That alone there was worth the whole night!! OH AND meeting LC. Did I mention he was a hottie?

The line up is made and the 3 white comics go on first. Me and PB count as one. We were 3rd. Hmmm I said "What's this? Fill them up on whitle bread so they won't be so aggitated??" See? The Coliseum!! I knew it!! The only other girl, Genuine Design, YAY I remembered another name! Said, "If I don't get any laughs I'll do the sex postions, that ALWAYS gets them going." She goes out and not much is happening then I peek out and I see her going into the sex postions and I thought " OK, We're F**KED!!" AND we're next!! I was thinking, "How the hell do I get out of here!!" I have never wanted to NOT be a stage whore more than at that moment when they called our names.

Oh yea, it was as bad, if not worse than I thought!! A couple of hundred Urban people looking at us like we just ran over their box of puppies!! I had no sex postions, no drug or arrest stories, or nothing to fall back on either!! We were sooooo screwed! Nothing worked, not the songs, not my skeptic joke that ALWAYS gets a great laugh! Not even my myspace joke that I do to remember to give my URL which I DID NOT do BTW!! Just got the same "You ran over my box of puppies you bitch!" look. PB conveniently "forgot" the damn words to the last song he did (not the last song he was gonna do) so I knew it was time to call time of death and get the hell out of there.

The other comics back stage asked how it went. I said we had to call time of death & got outta there. Bless Gigalo's heart, he asked if we were coming back!! I said "Really??? NOOOOOO!"

Thank Goddess we had a kick ass, sold out show the week before!! It totally ROCKED!! It helped ease the pain of our public humiliation. Ya know, I don't believe what they say about comedy, "Funny is Funny" Or something like that. It means if you're funny you'll get laughs. That's not the case. All I can tell you is that the sex positions would've died a death with my crowd. And probably most of the comedians would've died a death with my crowd the week before....except LC, cause he's a hottie, did I mention that? What's funny to some is not funny to others.

So what's the lesson here kiddies?? Urban and metaphysics just do NOT mix!! So we decided that if we ever get hit really hard on the head some day and decide to do another Urban comedy show, our names will be Cheezy Weazel and Porn Bread.

I do want to thank Gigalo and Chris for having us, they wanted to try something new so we gave it a shot. I want to thank all the other comics who were very supporitve and fun to hang with!! It was great meeting everybody!! I couldn't have tanked with a greater bunch of comics!! :-)

ODE TO AN OVARY!

Thursday, January 04, 2007


ODE TO AN OVARY!
Current mood: anxious

Scene, May 2006, My daughter saw fit in her infinite wisdom to ignore the advice of her nurse practitioner to get an ultrasound for an enlarged ovary.

Roll ahead to Dec. 20, 2006. She now is in excruciating pain and must be rushed to the hospital thinking she can score some serious, kick ass drugs and go home. Joke was on her because instead, she was rushed into emergency surgery. Altho, when we saw her in the ER she was pretty hopped up on some serious kick ass drugs, so mission partly accomplished. The IV kind too & the bitch wouldn't share! Did anyone consider the pain of the mother as she watched her baby girl lying there long enough that the pain meds were wearing off a little so she was in pain again?? Did anyone consider that at all?? NO!! They were just concerned about her. I mean honestly! Would it have hurt to have dulled my pain just a little?? Hope she's not reading this. Naaaa why would she read anything her mother wrote? I'm safe enough.

So instead of awaiting the birth of a grandchild (I KNOW! Hard to believe. I had her at 9...I swear) I am the proud grandmother of a 6oz tumor that has the possibility of being malignant AND a left ovary!! WTF!! All I got was a damn picture! (God that sounds like a bad t-shirt) Ok, and my daughter's life, which did mean the world to us to have her home for Christmas. Great! Now I sound like a corn ball Christmas song.

But being the good comedienne that I am, after a good melt down mind you, I did write a few jokes for my act about this whole ordeal. And to quote the famous "In Living Color" fake Tracy Chapman "Wrote a song about it, goes a little like this.." It's to the tune of John Denver's "Grandma's Feather Bed" Still have to work out a few things with it.

ODE TO AN OVARY

I wrote this for Elatia
To remind her of that day
When what she thought was routine gas
Was a mass on her O-va-ray
It was checked by every doctor
The technicians poked it too
They didn't know what the hell it was
So they sent it off to FSU

Chorus
I love my heart, I love my lungs
I love my Ovaries too
Now one has gone to heaven
And the other one's quite blue
So I went into the hospital
A surgeon for to see
With a snip, snip, snip, slash, slash, slash.
He cut it out for me

Mom thought it was the right one
All fathers issues there,
But when they took the left one out
She went into despair.
At first she didn't believe it
She said, "Go take another look."
If it had of been the right one
She'd be off the hook

Then mom said

We're not perfect parents
We never tried to be
We only hoped we'd mess you up
Only minimal-lee
I know I wasn't perfect
And that was just a rumor
I know I wasn't bad enough
For u to get a big ass tumor

It was round and small like a tiny little ball
Has a mass the size of my head
It caused me pain again, and again
Now I'm stuck in bed
If I had to do it over again
I'll tell you this my friend
I wouldn't wait as long as I did
And I'd now be on the bend

I'M SO RONERY OH SO RONERY....

Thursday, November 30, 2006


I'M SO RONERY! OH SO RONERY!!!
Current mood: crushed
Category: Life

That title is sung to the tune in Team America F**K YEA!! by the Korean leader.

Chrissy went home yesterday *tears welling* so now *snif snif* so now *big SNIIIFFFFF* I HAVE NO ONE TO PLAY WITH NOW!! Full on snotters and sobs now...fighting fetal position..can't hold on much longer............DAMMIT! I lost. In fetal postion, sucking thumb and sobbing now..have to type with toes.....

better go before I get a toe cramp.

CARD ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

CARD ME BABY EVEN ONE MORE TIME!
Current mood: giddy
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Yup! Still sung to the Brittney (Leaving K-Fed still doesn't buy you any class) Spears. I am having a FANTASTIC year, age wise!! I have been carded 3 TIMES so far this year!! That's a record!

We went out last night with the girls. DeDe, one of my daughter's brides maids got engaged so we went to celebrate that too. We go to the Cock & Bull a tiny neighborhood watering hole. hole being the operative word. They where charging a cover, for what I dunno, there's no live entertainment there. But it's only $2. So we each go up and she wants to see ID!! So I said, "really??" She said "yes." I said, "So you're just carding everybody who's coming in?" I want to make sure this is no fluke. I want it to be a bonifed carding. And sure enough it was!! She said there were some whom she did not card!! YAY!!! This is so cool!! This totally feeds into my delusion of the 40's being the new 30's and even 20's!! I am soooo down with that!!

Man! I am having a great year!! Even if it isn't career wise!