ODE TO AN OVARY!
Thursday, January 04, 2007
ODE TO AN OVARY!
Current mood: anxious
Scene, May 2006, My daughter saw fit in her infinite wisdom to ignore the advice of her nurse practitioner to get an ultrasound for an enlarged ovary.
Roll ahead to Dec. 20, 2006. She now is in excruciating pain and must be rushed to the hospital thinking she can score some serious, kick ass drugs and go home. Joke was on her because instead, she was rushed into emergency surgery. Altho, when we saw her in the ER she was pretty hopped up on some serious kick ass drugs, so mission partly accomplished. The IV kind too & the bitch wouldn't share! Did anyone consider the pain of the mother as she watched her baby girl lying there long enough that the pain meds were wearing off a little so she was in pain again?? Did anyone consider that at all?? NO!! They were just concerned about her. I mean honestly! Would it have hurt to have dulled my pain just a little?? Hope she's not reading this. Naaaa why would she read anything her mother wrote? I'm safe enough.
So instead of awaiting the birth of a grandchild (I KNOW! Hard to believe. I had her at 9...I swear) I am the proud grandmother of a 6oz tumor that has the possibility of being malignant AND a left ovary!! WTF!! All I got was a damn picture! (God that sounds like a bad t-shirt) Ok, and my daughter's life, which did mean the world to us to have her home for Christmas. Great! Now I sound like a corn ball Christmas song.
But being the good comedienne that I am, after a good melt down mind you, I did write a few jokes for my act about this whole ordeal. And to quote the famous "In Living Color" fake Tracy Chapman "Wrote a song about it, goes a little like this.." It's to the tune of John Denver's "Grandma's Feather Bed" Still have to work out a few things with it.
ODE TO AN OVARY
I wrote this for Elatia
To remind her of that day
When what she thought was routine gas
Was a mass on her O-va-ray
It was checked by every doctor
The technicians poked it too
They didn't know what the hell it was
So they sent it off to FSU
Chorus
I love my heart, I love my lungs
I love my Ovaries too
Now one has gone to heaven
And the other one's quite blue
So I went into the hospital
A surgeon for to see
With a snip, snip, snip, slash, slash, slash.
He cut it out for me
Mom thought it was the right one
All fathers issues there,
But when they took the left one out
She went into despair.
At first she didn't believe it
She said, "Go take another look."
If it had of been the right one
She'd be off the hook
Then mom said
We're not perfect parents
We never tried to be
We only hoped we'd mess you up
Only minimal-lee
I know I wasn't perfect
And that was just a rumor
I know I wasn't bad enough
For u to get a big ass tumor
It was round and small like a tiny little ball
Has a mass the size of my head
It caused me pain again, and again
Now I'm stuck in bed
If I had to do it over again
I'll tell you this my friend
I wouldn't wait as long as I did
And I'd now be on the bend
ODE TO AN OVARY!
Current mood: anxious
Scene, May 2006, My daughter saw fit in her infinite wisdom to ignore the advice of her nurse practitioner to get an ultrasound for an enlarged ovary.
Roll ahead to Dec. 20, 2006. She now is in excruciating pain and must be rushed to the hospital thinking she can score some serious, kick ass drugs and go home. Joke was on her because instead, she was rushed into emergency surgery. Altho, when we saw her in the ER she was pretty hopped up on some serious kick ass drugs, so mission partly accomplished. The IV kind too & the bitch wouldn't share! Did anyone consider the pain of the mother as she watched her baby girl lying there long enough that the pain meds were wearing off a little so she was in pain again?? Did anyone consider that at all?? NO!! They were just concerned about her. I mean honestly! Would it have hurt to have dulled my pain just a little?? Hope she's not reading this. Naaaa why would she read anything her mother wrote? I'm safe enough.
So instead of awaiting the birth of a grandchild (I KNOW! Hard to believe. I had her at 9...I swear) I am the proud grandmother of a 6oz tumor that has the possibility of being malignant AND a left ovary!! WTF!! All I got was a damn picture! (God that sounds like a bad t-shirt) Ok, and my daughter's life, which did mean the world to us to have her home for Christmas. Great! Now I sound like a corn ball Christmas song.
But being the good comedienne that I am, after a good melt down mind you, I did write a few jokes for my act about this whole ordeal. And to quote the famous "In Living Color" fake Tracy Chapman "Wrote a song about it, goes a little like this.." It's to the tune of John Denver's "Grandma's Feather Bed" Still have to work out a few things with it.
ODE TO AN OVARY
I wrote this for Elatia
To remind her of that day
When what she thought was routine gas
Was a mass on her O-va-ray
It was checked by every doctor
The technicians poked it too
They didn't know what the hell it was
So they sent it off to FSU
Chorus
I love my heart, I love my lungs
I love my Ovaries too
Now one has gone to heaven
And the other one's quite blue
So I went into the hospital
A surgeon for to see
With a snip, snip, snip, slash, slash, slash.
He cut it out for me
Mom thought it was the right one
All fathers issues there,
But when they took the left one out
She went into despair.
At first she didn't believe it
She said, "Go take another look."
If it had of been the right one
She'd be off the hook
Then mom said
We're not perfect parents
We never tried to be
We only hoped we'd mess you up
Only minimal-lee
I know I wasn't perfect
And that was just a rumor
I know I wasn't bad enough
For u to get a big ass tumor
It was round and small like a tiny little ball
Has a mass the size of my head
It caused me pain again, and again
Now I'm stuck in bed
If I had to do it over again
I'll tell you this my friend
I wouldn't wait as long as I did
And I'd now be on the bend
posted by Witchy Woman at 10:58 AM
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