ABOUT LAST NIGHT

About Last Night
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Blogging

OK, so it 's really not about last night cause I was too lazy to write when it would've been about the last night I'm talking about. So it's about the night before last night but that would just sound stupid.

Hmmmm I wonder if these will look right, off on another digression. (note to self, must see Dr. about ADD meds) I hit the enter key and it looks like there is going to be a space & not run together. Hope it does or I will have to cut somebody!

Anyways...I did my open mic the night before last at Martini Blue's (which will be known as MB's from here on out) & I have to say it was a great time. It's been awhile since I've performed in a muggle club or have done an open mic, so I was nervous. When I got there, I saw that it was going to be one of those open mics where it's mostly comics in the audience & not a real audience. That's because comics don't pay attention to who's on stage, they are working on their own material. I wasn't nervous anymore because I knew they wouldn't be paying attention anyways. Not to mention I usually come with my own audience and this time was no different, I had my peeps with me, I knew they would laugh.

Well, I got a great response even from the other comedians! Shocking! They were very nice to me I met some really cool people.Well, they are usually nice to me here in Ca. But in Fla.?? Not so much. I'm not in the inner cirlce in Fla. I'm like "Hey!! I cast circles people!! What do u mean I'm not in the inner circle!!" I guess they think I may actually turn them into a toad...ok, they may be right. So I dropped out of the comedy scene in Fla. as not to be tempted to toad anyone.

After my set, Bill Word, who runs the comedy at MB's said to me that I was in the next Ca.'s Funiest Female Contest if I wanted!! OMG!! I was shocked!! I've gotten turned down 2 yrs. in a row to compete in that. Now I'm being invited???!! WAAAAY FREAKIN KEWL!! Man! I need to move out here!! Someone buy my freakin house already!!

Now of course me being Witchy Woman you know the night wouldn't end there. Even tho my friends are early birds, I am not, especially after a show. I was wired when we got home so me and Psychic Boy sat out in our friends patio while she passed out, way past her bedtime. She has woods behind her place & I'm diggin the cool weather while I can before I go back to hell that they call Fla. Anyhoo as I was sitting there, a coyote walks by, stops, looks me right in the eye, then I moved, he moved, we scared each other and he ran away before I could. I didn't know if coyote's eat people, or attack or anything so he scared me. Coyote is one of my power animals with my comedy. So I took that as a sign that I am doing all the right things and more opps. are coming my way. I hope I get to see him again before I leave. I won't be afraid next time now that I know they don't attack and eat people.



Just another average day in a comic Witch's life.



Blessed Be!

W.W.

WIFE SWAP!!....

Alright, get your mind outta the gutter! This isn't the keys in the bowl wife swap!....unless you want it to be....no..stop it....it isn't! I mean, it's not the 70's for chrissakes! Well, unless you're Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! In that case let the keys fly!! I'll do ya both!! Now see what you've done you've got me in the gutter! And by you I of course mean me since I'm the only one here. I'm always the only one here. *big sigh* sad moment. Unbelievable since I come up on the first page of yahoo and google. No, really I do! Type in metaphysical comedienne or metaphysical comedy or witchy woman comedienne. You'll see!

Ok, now onto why I originally started this. As I may or may not have mentioned before we were chosen for ABC's Wife Swap. Yes, we are the chosen ones even tho we are not Jewish.....or Jehova's Witnesses (they think they're chosen too...right? They really are delusional aren't they??) We were chosen back in Nov. and it is now...looking at watch...like that's gonna help....looking at calendar now....7 MONTHS later!! Still no word on a swap yet, only that we are still on the board. They are hoping to find a family for us to get us on the 3rd season. Are we that hard to match up??

When my cousin in Belfast heard we were going to be on she said to me "OH NO!! You don't want to be on that show!! We make fun of the people on that show!!" I replied "So do we!!" and we do. Every week I watch the show & I say "What have I done??"

I don't think we're weird enough for the show but my friends assure me that we indeed we are! Hmm what do you think they mean by that?? They're weird too and dysfunctional!! You mean to tell me that not everybody acknowledges the faires or have a leprechaun in their yard?? Or have dead people hanging around? Or have a husband that talks to Darwin when out to lunch.?? The last 3 words says a lot! Or when your son is asked how his night was and he says "Good. Mom told some jokes about dead people then Dad talked to them...ya know the usual!" That's not normal?????

I've seen the Wiccan family on there and I thought they were waaaay weird! None of the Witches I know behave like that. I know we are weird but we are not dysfunctional. We spend time with our kids and each other. We have balance. I'm not a city girl and I'm not a country girl either. I'm middle of the road. I like living in a town that isn't too big but not so small that everyone knows your biz.

When the producer Allison came out to the house she interviews us individually. I tried to listen in when she interviewed my daughter, don't trust the girl! They caught me. DAMMIT! Foiled again! When they came out I asked my daughter "you didn't tell her....." My daughter says "No" Then Allison says "The Farm?" I said "YOU BITCH!! You didn't!" My daughter so loving said that she would love to see me on a farm! She wants to see cow poo under my well manicured nails!! See I told you... "BITCH!!" Pure evil that child!! I'll miss her when she mysteriously goes missing. *evil grin* & *evil laugh* to go with evil grin.

Allison then asks me what would be my nightmare swap. Do I look retarded?? Don't answer that! SO I think and say, umm well, someone who is rich, has servants, shops all the time, has a driver, has well behaved kids, has a hot hubby ect. That would be HORRIBLE! I swear! She wasn't having it. I guess I didn't lie well. The well behaved kids gave it away didn't it?? DAMMIT! Sooooo close! (Ok just let me have my delusion!)

OH yea! Like I'm going to say what my REAL nightmare is. Like I would tell them that a gun toting, squirrel eating, rebel flag flying, Bible thumping, Bush loving republican would be my ultimate nightmare. No one is that stupid!! Well, some might be but I'm not!! I ain't killing my own dinner!! I don't do road kill either!! And a Bush supporter?? R U Kidding me?? I just couldn't handle that kind of stupidity!!

So here we are, on the board of Wife Swap, waiting for the word. Why am doing it?? Helllo I'm not stupid! It's a great advertising tool "The dynamic duo as seen on Wife Swap!" Don't you think people will want to come out to our comedy shows and see the retards who went on Wife Swap?? Don't you think they will want to see for themselves if I'm as big a spaz as I appeared to be on the show?? I'm betting they will.

I'll keep ya posted!
Stay Tuned to see when the Wife Swaps!

BB
WW

I DREAM OF RANJINI!

Ok I really don't but I needed a catchy title and that was it. What do you want from me I am on an antihistamine high! My eyes are so itchy I want to scoop them out and scratch the hell out of them, brush them, then roll them on a rough surface!! But that's not why I'm here....

I realized that I never wrote about my Milton Keynes show! I talked about it before we left and I really should read what I wrote about it previously but I'm not, too lazy. Anyway, Ranjini, my friend who put this show togther for me did an amazng job! It was OVER BOOKED! Ok, so it's not like it was a 500 seater that was over booked. Alright, not even a 100 or 50. Fine! It was a 25 seater which is good for me. (it beats 10!!) We had like 29 people squished in the room. A fire hazard perhaps but I wasn't turning down a paying body!! It's England, do they even have a fire marshall Bill?? I was comfortable and that's all that really matters... right??

The audience was mostly if not all psychics coming to check us out. I think they were pleasantly surprised not only by my act that they could sooo relate to but how accurate Martin was. Everyone was really laughing and having a good time except for this one putz! There's ALWAYS one isn't there?? He sat with his arms folded and didn't crack a smile. I saw the corners of his mouth wanting to smile but he was fighting it like it was a good or evil thing. What's up with those people?? I didn't let it stop me! Although I did want to smack him up beside the head!

I taped it and couldn't wait to see it because I felt I did my material really well. But of course when I played it back the sound was off. A bunch of psychics and electronic equipment squished in a room just don't mix! I did a book signing afterwards and I was feeling all famous like. It felt cool. Some people drove hours to get there and I can't get people to drive 10 mins. to a gig here!! I was really honored that people would drive that far to come out to see us. I hadn't even met these people before.

I had to reword some of my material because they are not familiar with some our expressions. Like they didn't know who Mr. Rogers was. Ok he's not an expression but a personality. Quit nit picking...unless you personally have nits & then why are you reading this and not picking your own nits!? OMG! The antihistamines are really kicking in now! They didn't know what Sweet and Low was. REALLY! They didn't know. Who knew?? Almost lost a good joke with that one but I recovered.

So yes, Ranjini did a dream job for us and I greatly appreciate it! Hence the title.

Off to go and scratch my eyes balls out now!

Blessed be!
WW

WORD UP!...AGAIN!

Now check this out! This IS irony at it's best. I get on myspace.com to see how many more friends I have gotten thru the night. It's like Christmas, (or should I say Yule, to be a good Witch) every morning! It's a quest of mine to get a butt load of friends on my list. Now don't get me wrong I am picky. I don't just ask anybody. They have to be comedians or metaphysical. I did deny the porno stalker dude! I guess I want a lot of friends to help me feel all improtant or famous or somethin. I dunno why, it passes the time ok?? Sure, I could cook or clean or interact with the family but....why??

Anyways I had a message! WOW! Not only new friends but a message from a friend! Could this a.m. get any better?? Ahh Yea!! The message was from Bill Word offering me stage time when I'm out in S. Ca. next week! R U kiddin me with this?? I sooooo did not see that one coming! I mean me being psychic and all. I haven't perfomed in a comedy club in a yr. and a half! I've only done metaphysical venues.

So of course I said sure and now I'm freakin out! Don't know why since I do well in clubs in S. Ca. They all see dead people out there, it's old hat. My last 6 weeks I performed in clubs in Fla. SUCKED! And that left a mark! Hence the year and a half. So the guy that turned me down twice to compete in his contests has now offered me stage time at his open mic!! Irony at it's best?? I think so! OK I'm not getting paid like I do now with my full shows. But an opportunity is an opportunity!! And I think that is pretty cool!

Blessed Be!
WW

WORD UP!

Talk about irony at it's best?? Well, maybe not at it's best, but pretty darn close!

I had a friend's request on myspace.com. I knew I recognized the name but not sure where....at first. Then it dawned on me & got it confirmed when I went to his page. His name is Bill Word and he produces a lot of comedy contests at Martinit Blue's in Huntington Beach. My point???? I'm getting to it! Keep your panties on amigo!

One contest in particular, Ca. Funniest Female Contest, I entered 2 years in a row and both those times.....I WAS TURNED DOWN!! WTF Now he wants to be my friend????? Well of course I said hell yeah!! I need all the friends I can get!! Well just short of that one porn crazed stalker I had to deny that is!

I actually thought that it was pretty cool that he, Bill, not the porno stalker, asked me to be his friend. So I'm going to be in town next weekend for the finals of this contest and I'm going. I will also get to meet the guy Bill Word, who doesn't appreciate my brand of comedy. Good times, Good times. A toading may insue but I'm making no promises. I like to toad closer to home. If you don't know what I mean. READ MY BOOK DAMMIT!! At least the back of it! Geez or even my website for crying out loud!

Blessed Be!
WW

SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE!

I was the guest speaker for one of Michele Blood's success calls! I was so honored she asked me! I mean I haven't really accomplished much yet so I was surprised when she asked me to be the guest speaker. I know I have a book out and a perfume, and let's not forget a sold out show in Palm Springs, Ca.!!! But I'm not a best selling author yet, give me a few weeks, my perfume is only in one store in Ohio. But it is also with a big time celebrity, well almost, it's in their office waiting for their return from shooting. The assistant got back to me thanking me for sending it. As you can tell I'm not giving away any secrets on this one yet.

OK, maybe I can see why Michele asked me to be on the call. I have a lot of good things in the works. YAY Me!!! She sees where I'm going with all this! The call was great so I thought anyway. I may have scared a few with my fairy talk. If so, oh well. It doesn't negate the fact that fairies do exist!

Blessed Be!
WW

SOLD OUT!!

Ok, before you go and get all excited, and by "you" I of course mean me. As I am the only one writing/reading this tripe.

My show in Palm Springs is sold out! Which is great! I'm not ungrateful or anything, but the unfortunate part is that the place only holds 10 people!! That's right 10! TEN! DIAZ! (however u spell it. My spell check doesn't do spanish. DAMMIT) I said 10! No matter how many ways I write it, it still is just 10. No more zeros after it, only one. How sad if I couldn't sell out a 10 seat crowd?? I'd have to hang up my comedy broom! But I did so I don't. Witchy Woman gets to fly another day!

Ten is a tough crowd even for the seasoned pro....which I am not...yet..almost. I have to work that much harder. I will have to be really animated, I know, a huge stretch for me...c'mon it is!! Alright! Maybe not a huge one. A great crowd is 20 or more. It's really great then.

I've done performances infront of 250 just not my full show, only 5 min. open mic. And let me tell ya, I'd rather have 25 that get it than 250 that don't!! Do You even know how crappy it is to have 250 people with blank stares then fear like they're sorry they left their garlic necklace and wooden stake at home?? And then you have to walk outta there with your coffin guitar case for your broom & try and act normal hoping there's no angry villagers with torches in the parking lot?? Yup! That was my life in the comedy clubs in the bible belt folks. Don't get me wrong, having 250 that DO get it would be awesome and I had only one night like that. I'd like to repeat it again! I wouldn't turn down a crowd of thousands either....for an audience not angry villagers w/torches! I want to make myself clear on that one!

My show in Laguna Hills could hold 60-70 (How cool would that be to have that be sold out!!??) but I don't know if Brandon is doing his thing and promoting it like he should. For what he is makin on it he should!! I love Brandon but he needs a good kick in the back side as far as marketing is concerned. And my friend Karen Curry is just the person to do it!! She's kicking ours. Go Karen! Go Karen! Go Karen! It's not your birthday! Kick his bootay!! Hey that was pretty good! I really should get into song writing!! But I really need to stay focused on one career at a time. Note to self, take song writing class...wait...no...teach song writing class! I would kick ass! Look I rhymed again! Is there no end to my talent??......don't answer that! Remember I am a legend in my own mind!

Blessed be!
WW

ALMOST FAMOUS!! YEA BABY!

May 5, 2006

When I was in Seaford England, I went into the metaphysical store to browse and visualize walking into a store like this and seeing my book there when the cashier says "Connie Jordan!" HUH??? That was quick! LOL LOL What the....who the...how the...R U kidding me with this?? Then it twigged with me where she might know me from. I staffed for Doreen Virtue for a few years and sure enough that's where she knew me, the Ireland ATP class. But it was still cool to get recognized in a foreign country in a sleepy lil seaside town. I left them my book and they should be ordering some soon!

So now I've been recognized in an Office Max, a dark parking lot, and now Seaford England!! Wooo Hooo I'm on my way people!!

Blessed Be!
W.W.

DEAD MAN RIDING!!

May 2 2006

Funny thing....ok maybe not funny, but when we tell it, it is. A guy was dead in the toilet on the train across from me on the way to Seaford England!! EEEWWWWWWWW! I'd jiggle the door and it was locked, no one came out. I thought just my luck, we finally get a toilet on a train and it doesn't work! DAMMIT!! People kept trying to get in but I told them it was locked and no one has come out. Martin was sittin in his usual outta body state of mind wondering, "Hmmm wouldn't it be funny if someone died in there??!" REALLY??? FUNNY?? OK, maybe it is. We didn't find out till we got off the train in Brighton to get on yet another freakin train and they announced it on the PA. "A fatality was on the train, from where ever we just came from, and it wasn't going any further." YA THINK???

But does the story end there?? I think not. It's us. How could it! The dead guy followed Martin on to the next train!! That's right! Dead people follow my husband every where we go! The dead guy's name was Edward. He thought he was having indigestion so he went into the toilet to catch his breath and.....well I guess he didn't judging by the results. His artery exploded and away he went. He didn't know where he was & was a bit dazed and confused. Ya know how it is when you drop dead in a public toilet on a train...right?? You lose all bearings I guess. So Martin guided him. Martin asked him if he saw a white light & he said he did but was afraid to go to it because he didn't know what it was. Really?? That's basic crossing over 101 stuff. Didn't anybody watch Crosssing Over or Ghost??? Martin was Mr. Ghost Whisperer on that day. He told Edward to go into the Light & he would be fine & he did. Just an average day with Psychic Boy! I defintely feel another book
coming on!

Blessed Be!
W.W.

JANE!! Get me off this thing!!

These are stories that happened while on my trip to and from Seaford England. This one happened on the way back. The next one happened on the way there. Don't ask me why I put them in this order....THEY JUST ARE! DEAL WITH IT!

May 7th 2006
Got back from Seaford today. Only a 4 hour, 5 train switch ride baaa waaa! We're back at my sis in law's AnneMarie's in Milton Keynes England. The train back today got scary for me when I get on the train and before Marts, Andrew and Ranjini could get on it takes freakin off with only me on it!! They give you like 30 SECONDS to get on the damned train! I'm looking out the window at them like WTF! As I plant my face firmly on the window thinking this will somehow stop the train I see them disappear into the distance.

OMG!!! I'm freakin out! I was like George Jetson, "JANE! GET me off this thing!!" I didn't know where I was going. What I should or could do. I was ready to get in fetal position, suck my thumb and just cry. I didn't have Martin's cell # or AnnMarie's. I asked where it was going and someone said Wembly!! (as in the stadium!) NOT where I needed to go, I CAN'T go to Wembly!! You're lieing BITCH! They just looked at me like I was nuts.

FInally a woman who spoke very little English (because the 2 that did were no freakin help!! Damned English!!) took pity on me & told me to get off at the next stop and get on the next train back. I was hoping it would be in plenty of time to get on the train with Marts, Muck And Ranjini. I was shittin myself!! I'm waiting for the train and I'm the ONLY woman with a 1/2 dozen guys white and black in a not so nice area. Really needed the Depends then!! I then realized I needed to look like I knew what I was doing and not like a totally scared shitless, middleaged, white, Amercian woman wishin she was wearing Depends with cash on me! So I toughed (yea, sure I did) it up as much as I could. Somehow I don't think I pulled it off. I'm guessing I just looked like a middle aged, crazy, white, woman. Crazy because I was sitting there sending messages telepathically that I was coming back, "I'm coming back, don't leave, I'm coming back". For some reason I figured by squinting this would help the transmission AND made me look crazy I'm sure. Apparently that was enough, because no one even looked at me or like they were even going to consider approaching me. SO what??? Now I'm not even hot enough to mug??? Anyways.......

The train comes and it's only minutes back to the station I needed and as I arrive I see Ranjini waving at me as she got my message telepathically that I was heading back. No, she really did, she said she heard me! The squinting really does help!! Don't roll your eyes at me! Thank God for psychic friends! (& not the network) I got off in time (obvious joke here..) for the next train. I found out that all I did was get on the earlier train going to the same place we were. Crisis averted! Wipes sweat & tears from brow & eyes!

Stay tuned for the Next installment of....As The Broom Turns!

B.B.
W.W.